26 years

I'm sure those of you who read my blog have noticed that my posts have gotten less frequent as my time in Utah has gone on. Part of that is due to a degree of laziness, yes. I was not one of those people who could spit out a 5 page paper in the two hours before class. Sometimes I slowly change, rearrange, and add things to a post for weeks before I post it. All that to say these posts take a fair amount of thought and editing for me. The other main reason for this is that my life here is really quite tranquil on a day-to-day basis. I go on some fun weekend adventures every now and again, but I detest play-by-play blog posts (except, of course, when it's a really good story). When you first move to a place, there's so much to observe and describe, and after you've been there for awhile, it's just your life. I'm sure it would still be special and different to people who aren't experiencing it, but it becomes harder to see it through that lens.

So really my goal for the past year or so has just been to post at least once a month. In my mind, it's probably just enough to let you know I'm still alive while allowing me to not stress about posting (you know, in the midst of my busy Netflix schedule).  It seems, though, that I'm failing at even that because I missed February. It was one of the first months where I felt I had nothing to share. No posts simmering on the back burner, sitting there with little pieces of thoughts waiting to be connected into something cohesive. When I look back on February, the most obvious event was turning 26. I had a lovely, simple birthday, but that's not going to be the point of this post.

In February, I learned that life is not fair. It's a phrase that you always hear and that I've always particularly resented. Even as a child, I felt that it was wrong to sit back and accept that life isn't fair- we should try to make it that way. We should strive for justice and inclusiveness and making sure that everyone has the same chance at big and small happiness in life. So here I am, at 26, finally learning that in spite of all efforts, life still isn't fair. Without going into a whole lot of detail, the event that led me to this conclusion was a situation with an agency whose support is vital to the nonprofit I work for. They were going to end their support of us based on some hearsay about our organization- information that they made very little attempt to look into or verify. They were very uncooperative and uncommunicative about the issues. At the end of the process they agreed to continue to work with us, but I would call our renewed relationship tenuous at best. One that can be broken with the slightest infraction on our part.

The whole process left me feeling confused and powerless. For the first time, I felt like the victim of a system that put something important to me at the mercy of others. I have latent expectations that people will be thorough and fair and that in America, you are innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around. It's a sad thing to lose some faith in people and organizations that are supposed to be doing good things, but the fact that I'm just realizing these things is an indication of the privileged life I have led. The system has always worked for me, not against me. Until now, I have never had to lose sleep because something was wrong.

Other people have dealt with this their entire lives. They've experienced things that no one ever should. There's the really big ones, like being imprisoned for 10 years for a crime you didn't commit, but there's also the really every day stuff. There's a child with a single mom who's on drugs and has a boyfriend who beats her up. Or even just a child with two parents whose love looks like expensive presents and junk food and plenty of TV allowance, but not the things a child really needs. It's not fair. And it's no wonder that both of those children would grow up, get a minimum wage job, never go to college, and start the cycle over again. Sometimes people sometimes try really hard at things that should work, and for whatever reason, they don't. Sometimes everything is fine and then the floor drops out. Sometimes people who have power just make bad decisions, and sometimes they abuse their power because they can.

If it sounds like I'm trying to convince you to start taking anti-depressants, I'm not. But for those of us who can't understand why people need welfare and food pantries and struggle to keep jobs- remember that you have been sheltered from the cruelest parts of life. You haven't been kicked when you're down. You've experienced the benefits of our American economy, not the injustices that accompany it. You have a sound mind and family and friends and there was probably never really any doubt that you were going to be fine. If those things aren't true for you, but you finished your education, got more than a make-ends-meet job, and started a stable family, then congratulations. You have more will and determination than anyone I know. Either that or you had some powerful help along the way.

What I'm asking you to think about is nothing new. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. I'm also saying that understanding that man is not enough. There is nothing wrong with being privileged, and it would be silly and ineffective to try to reverse that. But if you think for a moment that you've earned or deserve what you have, you're wrong. To me, the price of privilege should be helping those who aren't in whatever way feels meaningful to you. The world is not a kind or fair place, but it doesn't mean we all can't continue to work on that.

Preaching over. I promise to talk about happier things next time.