Round 2

The secret's out- I'm staying in Utah for another year, which means August of 2017 I'll be done with my second VISTA term. (it wasn't really much of a secret)  Some of you already know that I'm staying mostly because I feel my projects will benefit from the continuity of having the same person two years in a row.  It's a logical reason, but I'm sometimes asked (and ask myself) how I'm able to continue to live so far away from everything I knew and loved for the first 24 years of my life.

There are so many things I miss about living in Indiana.  I miss the close friendships I developed in college and sitting in a room full of people that I'm deeply comfortable with.  It is difficult to picture my nieces and nephews getting older without me witnessing their milestones, to know that I am  not as much a part of my younger sisters' lives as I could be, to miss the countless dinners, birthdays, and special moments that are a part of my family's lives.  Those are the kinds of things that should and do make it hard to decide to stay in Utah.

When I chose where to go to college and grad school, remaining close to my loved ones had far greater impact on my decision than anything I wanted to do with my life.  I don't think there was anything right or wrong about that.  It was just what I needed to do at the time I made those decisions.  Wanting to have strong relationships and be involved in my family and friends' lives will always be a good thing, but there are also associated things that are not so good.  I am prone to making decisions based on what I think people want from me, what I think will win their approval, love, or admiration, and based on the fear of "missing out" on fun and exciting things.  I was a rather timid child and young adult (like afraid-to-call-the-dentist-to-make-your-own-appointment timid), and for a long time my actions were also heavily influenced by remaining within the comfort zone of the people I'm attached to.

But there was a point in my life when I realized that I honestly had no idea what drove me or what I wanted, which was clear in my undecided status on my major as a Freshman and my lack of enthusiasm on job options when I graduated grad school. I realized that I couldn't continue to make my life decisions based on other people's lives and thoughts and my attachments to them.  I needed to do something that I wanted to, even if it detached me from everything I knew and loved.  It's honestly difficult to say that without feeling selfish and slightly guilty, like I'm choosing to care more about what I want than about anyone in my life.  That's a feeling I will carry with me however long I live away from my home.  I also have this feeling, though, that the more I learn about myself and what I want, the more I have to give to others.  

My quarter century has taught me so much, each stage bringing new successes and hardships and with those, new lessons.  In undergrad, most importantly, I learned what it felt like to have real relationships with the people in my life.  I learned about hard work- how to push myself beyond the limits of exhaustion for something important to me.  I learned what it felt like to succeed.   In grad school, I learned how to feel comparatively stupid and incompetent.  Through that, I learned not to validate myself based on my successes.  I learned that I will always be driven by people, not generally by money.  I learned how to systematically address a problem in front of me.

And now here I am, and I had no idea what to expect when I moved to a small rural town in the middle of Utah, a state I knew nothing about.  I've learned a lot about what I am naturally good at and and what I've just tried to make myself good at.  In living and working so closely with such few people, I've picked up on a few of my not-so-great habits.  I've learned what it feels like to have your work affect something beyond yourself (and the positives and negatives that go along with that) and done things I thought only other people were capable of.

I think life looks something like a flowchart where each move leads us to something meaningful, as long as we can see the lesson.  Whatever the life stage, the times I have learned the most have always been when I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.  Those are also the times when the things I've learned have the chance to actually impact my life.  Utah is no exception.  I am not here because I'm looking to find that one thing I want to do forever, that will come (or not).  I am just looking to do what I can for others and learn what I can about myself.  We'll see where that takes me.

I will continue to love and miss all of you.